LOVE LOIS (Lois answers your burning relationship questions)

Q. I have been married for eight years. My mother-in-law lives in another city about 100 miles away. I have done everything that I can to please her but she has always judged me. She went to dinner with my mother last time she was in town and said bad things about me through the entire meal. That was the last straw; I sent her an e-mail and told her I didn’t want anything to do with her again as long as she treats me that way. My husband won’t say anything about it to her. I think he should defend me. What do you think?

A. He is in a tough situation that is not uncommon. It all comes down to boundaries. There are many different ways to handle this situation but I will offer you mine. He needs to tell her that you are the person he is in love with and that it hurts him when she speaks ill of you and/or to you. He should tell her that he wants her in his life but he will not be around her when she is not treating you with respect and that she will not be welcome in your home. He also needs to tell her that it is also disrespectful to him because she is judging his life choices. In the end, she will ultimately have to alter her behavior if she chooses a relationship with you both. A behavior change will probably never happen as long as he doesn’t set his own boundaries.

Q. My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. He recently informed me that he is thinking about moving out. He says we have moved away from each other. I think having different interests keeps things interesting, but I am still involved with some of his interests. I think he's having a midlife crisis—he thinks not. What do you think?

A. A midlife crisis. I don’t think so. If after 20 years of marriage, someone says that he or she wants to move out, things are serious. The best thing you can do at this point is request that you go to couples counseling together. This should help each of you reach an understanding about what has really transpired in your relationship and where you both are emotionally. It takes a lot of thought and reflection to decide something this major at any time in your life. I highly encourage GOOD counseling. If you don't have at least the beginnings of mutual understanding by the end of the first session, you need a different counselor.

(Send your relationship questions to www.ask-lois.com. I will be posting answers once a week)