This year it is my mission to dream up Valentine’s Day dates that are more memorable than whatever it is I did last year, because I don’t even remember.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a true romantic – Damien Rice, “Pride and Prejudice” and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” are surefire ways to bring me to tears. I just fancy myself more of a Halloween and Mardi Gras girl.

First, let’s talk gifts. Instead of flowers, why not a funky cactus plant from Big Red Sun in East Austin? After all, nothing says your love is unique, low-maintenance and everlasting like a cactus.

For the animal-loving lover in your life, a surprise from Zookeeper’s Exotic Pets is sure to get a reaction. From pocket-sized Short-Tailed Opossums to less cuddly Trinidad Chevron Tree Spiders, Zookeeper has what you need to stay out of the “boring” category. For a slightly less shocking surprise, perhaps blindfold your significant other until you get to the store and let them choose the right wacky pet. I also recommend that you save this sort of gift for someone you’ve been dating more than, say, a week.

 On to the gastronomic portion of your Valentine’s Day…

There is nothing sexy to me about going to dinner and being surrounded by a bunch of other couples while you choose from a fixed and probably overpriced menu. Cooking a meal full of natural aphrodisiacs, on the other hand, is as sexy as it gets. On Saturday, The Natural Epicurean Academy of Culinary Arts is hosting a cooking class scrumptiously titled, “Aphrodisiacs on the Table.” Bring a date – or go alone and learn how to get one – and whip up a meal that will guarantee even your neighbor needs a cigarette.

 A little bird also told me that the heart-shaped pizzas from Mangia, when combined with lingerie and beer, are quite popular. I can’t imagine why.

 While we’re on the topic of beer, a beer tasting would be an unexpected Valentine’s Day date, or anti-Valentine’s Day event for your friends. We’ve all done wine and champagne, anyway. You could do it at home to avoid the crowd of other anti-Valentine’s Day patrons, or grab a cab and check out bars like The Ginger Man, The Draught House, The Flying Saucer or The Dog & Duck for great beer selections. Belching in your date’s face is so sweet!

 I tend to equate Valentine’s Day with torture, so I found it apropos that Justine’s on E. 5th is having “Valentine’s Party de Sade.” Apparently the waiters will be dressed in S&M gear. Awww!

 For the bravest of all, Austin’s House of Torment will be open this weekend. That’s right, you and your date, or you and your dateless friends, can wander around with just a glow stick and be scared out of your mind by people in gory costumes. On Sunday night, they’ll even play love songs in the background. Even more awwwwwwww!

 If you’d rather almost wet yourself with laughter than panic, The Hideout Theatre and Esther’s Follies are both having Valentine’s Day shows – the ultimate in romantic comedy.

 Sweating is always sexy, or at least I think so, because I always leave the gym looking like I just went for a swim. CrossFit Austin is holding a free “Sweat with your Sweetheart” workout on Sunday at Town Lake under the South 1stbridge. Bring a partner or show up solo and meet other workout fanatics. The trainers want you to show up between 10 and 10:30 a.m. so they can get you sweating right away – hot! 

 Maybe you’re not even to the point of planning a date – you just need one. You’re in luck! Friday night is DIGITAL LOVE, a dance party headlined by SPEAK, along with DJ Markus with a K, Love at 20 and Missions. The party is at The Independent on 501 Brushy St. and goes from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. Bring your mad dance skills and maybe Sunday won’t be so lonely after all!

Please comment with more ideas or Valentine's Day stories!

(As I post this article, I am a little worried that I will get an angry e-mail regarding what I don’t remember doing on Valentine’s Day 2009.)